Sunday, June 2, 2013

God's ambivalence

I will tell you, a week of manual labor when one has spent the last several years mostly sitting and studying will certainly clear the head through monotony and exhaustion. That and some helpful conversations. And I could use some clarity. I just graduated, and once again I am stuck in post graduation ambiguity. Unlike many of my classmates, I do not have a clear path ahead and no immediate full time job prospects. Thus I had been feeling quite a bit of anxiety as the semester wrapped up and since graduation, with various distractions thrown in, until this past week and the start of my summer job on grounds crew, mowing, weeding, etc.
Then I also had the chance to have some conversations, one in particular on balancing independence and dependence, that helped me chill out some and recenter myself a bit. Then this morning I went to worship and the sermon was, to use words from a conversation I had yesterday, about the ambivalence of God. Not that God does not care about us, but that God does not micromanage. Sometimes we will be presented with various opportunities, and sometimes they mean we have to make a choice where there is no clear right choice. So we seek guidance, and then do the best we can with our choice, and God can and will still work with and through us regardless of which way we end up going. One thing that often frustrates me is the inability to see very far into the future and thus being unable to discern what consequences lie on the path ahead, which leads to a proper amount of trust and dependence on God and others, which is something I have long struggled with (I am far too independent much of the time).
I still can't tell where exactly I'm headed, but I'm starting to take some small steps and hopefully will continue to be reminded to pause, breathe, and listen to the still small voices that will speak if I stop getting so distracted by the storm swirling around me.

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