monkeys?

My friend Ben told me I needed more tension in my writing and thus I should write about monkeys. I'm still not sure I get what he means, but who knows, I'll try it.
I don't particularly care for monkeys, and never really have. Perhaps it's something about their similarities to humans yet differences. Or maybe because they don't look very soft. Little monkeys that are less brown and such are more tolerable to me. (I really don't pay much attention to all the different types of monkeys)
However, I also find monkeys a useful analogy for when I think things aren't going very well. For instance, when a place (such as the institution I currently am under) does things that seem as if all higher order thinking has been abandoned, I generally will say the place is run by monkeys. Monkeys have enough abilities to make things function, but lack the higher order thinking skills to decide that some things should perhaps be better organized or even thought through. This is not to say that I think the people working in such places are themselves monkeys and not humans, just that under everything else there must be monkeys. Maybe these monkeys only come out at night and hide under people's desks during the day. I'm not really sure how it works, but to me this is the only logical explanation when there are no logical explanations happening. (I'm a concrete rational thinker as long as we're in either a concrete or rational realm, but when we leave concrete I often go random)
So I also don't care for the monkey exhibits in zoos, nor do I care for stuffed monkeys or toy monkeys or monkey anything. I also abhor bananas, so I find this an appropriate connection. There is nothing good about a banana. Blech. æsj. (that's a fun Norwegian word I learned that means ick) Sometimes I wonder if there's some deep psychological tension or distress or disparity that leads me to my dislike of monkeys. Maybe I have some disconnect in my psyche about humanity and what it means to be human and thus a monkey triggers that. I dunno, I made all that up. But it could happen, I suppose.
I'm fairly certain I did not accomplish the goal or idea Ben had when he said I should write about monkeys, but the moral of this story is that a monkey (in any form, fashion, or state of being) is not a good gift for me and not really a way to try to make friends. Now you know. Take your monkeys elsewhere.
I do like the word monkey wrench though. Because that's a wrench, and I don't know what it has to do with monkeys. It rolls off the tongue nicely, and I like wrenches because they are useful.
Okay, Ben, how did I do? Totally off base?

It sure ain't easy

Yesterday and today I was in a series of meetings that had to deal with some serious issues in an organization. The saddest part about all of it is that these things didn't have to happen, but through a series of factors they did. Because of some decisions that were not carefully made, because of oversights, and because of lacking skill sets and perhaps a bit of pride that didn't allow asking for help these things got out of hand. A few people kept sweeping things under the rug so that help was not found soon enough and now a whole lot more people, many who even tried to warn of impending disaster, or at least tried to raise issues are now going to suffer consequences that, to be frank, aren't fair. The saddest part, I think, is that, really, no one wins now. There will just be a lot of loss. This is not to say that the future beyond this hurt does not hold a lot of promise and potential, and a lot of things have been and are still being learned from this. Also, things like this happen more often than we'd like, and that too makes me sad. So I was glad to see the seriousness, the sadness, and the good work of the people at the meeting today, but I still wish we could all be more careful so that these things don't have to happen. Because they don't have to happen. This may forever be my plea to the world. Please, please think about what you are doing, and if you don't know, and it's something big, please ask someone. And may peace, mercy, and grace carry us through these hard times.

musings on The X Files

I decided to write my Ethics paper about the X Files (specifically CSM) and Bonhoeffer. This meant I had to rewatch some episodes because it's been over a year since I've watched any. I also had some new revelations in some of the episodes where I realized some of the things that happened made more sense. I also decided that the aliens also watched the X Files and decided too many people knew about their plans for recolonization, which is why they decided not to come back on Dec. 22 after all.
Because I was specifically paying attention to character motive while I watched these episodes, I felt somewhat more involved with the characters, and never could decide if I felt sorry for CSM or just think he's slimy and twisted. He has sacrificed his entire life to his work on the Project, his work with the Syndicate, and his quest for power. He believes, really, in neither good nor evil but merely might and survival. The one that manipulates best wins, the one who plays the game best wins, and at the same time he is lonely and and somewhat of a coward. He knows so much more than most, and believes it is his responsibility to keep it that way. He may be right about most people not being equipped to handle all this information, but when highly classified information is maintained among the types that are typically drawn to such secrecy and seclusion, the blood trail is surely close behind (literally or figuratively).
Bonhoeffer struggled with some of these issues. He became privy to information that was not widely known, and he also had to face the responsibility that comes with that. The difference between Bonhoeffer and CSM is their allegiances and their trust in something greater than themselves. To CSM, there was no God, only aliens, and his highest allegiance was to his country and his survival. Bonhoeffer put his faith in Christ as his highest allegiance, and thus, in some ways, shares a role with Mulder in his attempts to expose the truth and change the course of history.
We don't all get put in a place where we learn things we have to deal with the way Bonhoeffer did, but we still make choices every day based on our highest ideals and what they represent. What do our choices convey about our deepest allegiances?

ethics

I'm at the end of my Ethics of Dietrich Bonhoeffer class, and it has been quite interesting. I now have to write my final paper about something ethical, and I am not sure where to go with it. I am contemplating the ethics of caring/not caring, as in when and why we care about some issues and not others, or some things some of the time. Why do we carefully recycle at home and not worry about throwing something away when we're out? Why do we give things to Goodwill and yet worry about why people need Goodwill? How do we decide what is 'above pay grade' to worry about? What is a work ethic, and should it be related to job or pay? I know people that say they don't get paid enough to care. How much is enough? And why should that matter how much one cares? Is there no higher calling to care?

In other news, this Bonhoeffer class has reminded me of something I learned in my German class this summer and something I'm now concerned about. I think I'm more Prussian than I perhaps realized, and I can't decide if this is good or bad. Can one be genetically so in addition to socialized so? What is identity anyway? Ah well. I guess I'll just keep washing disposable plates and sitting in the same seat and otherwise ordering my life so it runs smoothly. Integrity, order, quality.

narrative

She walked through the alley, carefully making her way through the snow. Snow was still falling lightly around her, and it was quiet except for the crunching under her feet. She still marveled at how bright and still the snow made everything; it was almost surreal. Snow decorated the trees and houses, and she passed two rabbits sitting quietly, hoping they weren't noticed. A few steps further and she saw rabbit tracks across the path.
She crossed a street where the snow had been packed and was beginning to be brown tinged. That always reminded her of the sugar and butter mix that was the first step to making chocolate chip cookies. Then back on the sidewalk, identified mostly by a few pairs of previous footsteps. This took her along the side of a hill. On one side were snow covered trees and a faintly lined pattern of light on the snow on the ground. On the other side she had a view of the city, multicolored lights twinkling through the snow.
She reveled in the beauty of the fresh scene before her, and then reveled in the fact that she reveled. There always seemed to be so little time for reveling these days, not to mention all the things she kept in the back of her mind to ponder or worry about.
But for the moment there was only the scene before her, the snow softly falling, the quiet that fallen snow holds that almost begs one to pause and absorb the calm. There was the brightness of the fresh white flakes, and she was beginning to understand why many found these things compelling. It was a bit like being in a story, for she had read of snow and winter, but the experiences were truly real, and she was living now what she had only read for so many years.
Then she encountered another person and the spell was broken. Despite its necessity, she still hated to see the smooth surface of the snow broken by footprints and shoveled walks. So she carried on, back to the tasks at hand.

just me

So I'm kind of a bachelor. I had to move into an apartment on campus from my dorm room due to outside circumstances, and while I do like my apartment I was not really ever intending to move into one nor did I want to move a bunch of stuff up for one last school year (about 9 months). So I basically have a dorm's accommodations spread over a one bedroom apartment. I got a futon from someone who couldn't fit it into his new apartment, which means I don't have to always sit on the floor.
I do half the time anyway, though. Illogical though it might be, I use my desk as a table/collection of papers I don't feel like dealing with, put my computer on a chair, and sit on the floor to type. I also don't have a table, although I figure if I ever have guests and need one I can always get the one out of my car (still love that feature of my car).
The cleanliness of my apartment usually reflects my life, I think. Fairly clean and organized, but some scattered papers and disorganization around the edges. But of course there are the occasional times where it's a complete disaster.
One place where I'm regularly clean is the kitchen, because I have enough dishes for someone who lives in a dorm (with the exception of some pots and pans that I bought for the apartment). This means I don't have enough dishes to not do dishes every day or two. It's amazing how quickly one can go through 6 spoons.I have a few staples in the kitchen food wise, but it's really not very exciting to cook for one person, and I do still eat in the cafeteria fairly regularly. Milk, eggs, pancake mix, grits, pasta, bread (because some friends gave me a toaster oven!), rice, cereal. Those are my staples. Plus some fake meat product or other.
I have no TV, and because internet comes with the apartment through the school the guy at Xcel sounded very amazed that all I needed was the electric bill in my name, but no phone, internet, or TV. So I watch movies on my computer and get news from Google.
The best part is, I live by myself. So I can be as weird as I want, and no one cares. It's lovely. I'm not much for entertaining, though...

Inauguration Day thoughts

"Being able to see the overlap between our regular humanity and the ceremony and celebration of greatness, of great office, of great achievement, is always a moving thing. We're reminded of that in this city of monuments,  monuments to human achievement that are rendered of course superhuman in their scale. We’re reminded of this on days that are full of pageantry and ceremony and displays of national  power when, nevertheless, they turn out to be rendered in human scale, walking flesh and blood, when the President and First Lady get out of the car and walk the parade route themselves. We’re reminded of that overlap of human scale achievement and towering achievement on holidays like this, the federal holiday honoring the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., today on that holiday swearing in the nation’s first African American president not for the first time but for the second time." ~Rachel Maddow

I watched this episode of Rachel Maddow (Monday's show, Inauguration Day) because a friend told me the part where Rachel tells about who made the dress and shoes for the First Lady was funny. And it's true, that part was somewhat entertaining. But the section with this quote in it was what struck me the most out of this show. I thought it was a well said summation of the excitement of Inauguration Day as well as the story of our life together as citizens and fellow humans. 

We all likely have had moments where we imagined being a star, being superhuman, being extra special. The glamour, excitement, and other attraction to being someone everyone knows probably appeals to us all at some time or another. 

At the same time, it is precisely the counter to that, a connection to the realness of our humanity, that attracts us to those in the spotlight. In a negative way we latch on to the stories of scandals and misappropriations because it shows us that even heroes have faults and the most respected people do stupid things. On the other hand, and in the case of the President and his family acting simply as humans and walking like we do even as they must walk in ways we don't, is something that reaches us, too, because it simultaneously tells us that all leaders are humans like us so we might have the chance to be leaders, too, and it tells us that this leader is not so different and maybe that we can allow him the chance to be human, as well, because no one is perfect.

It is moments like this that remind us that every great achievement, every great destruction, every grand effort that has come about in history has had human hands in it. We are more powerful and less powerful than we think, and moments like this help remind us of the delicacy of that balance. We have done some amazing things, and we have done some terrible things, we humans. We have great capacity for good and evil within our humanity. We must make choices every day that usually have greater reach than we will ever know. I want to hope that good will triumph and that the depth of the goodness of humanity is deeper than that of evil. But we all have to make choices that lead us beyond ourselves, so I hope we can reflect beyond ourselves and embrace the possibility of good greatness, though it is rarely an easy choice.